Shared Parenting Checklist: Helping Your Child Transition

           How often do you go over your checklist while packing? Checking and double checking… are you sure that’s enough warm clothes, socks, etc.? Not to mention the laundry list of To-Do items before leaving on any trip. Take out the trash, check. Clean the house, check. Now what if we had a checklist for managing the after effects of divorce?

           This past month, I was moved by two very different articles. The first was from Divorce and Children titled Packing, Transitions, and What Your Kids Aren’t Telling You. In it, they explore tips and tricks to help your children adjust to juggling life between two homes.

           I am an avid advocate for shared parenting, extensive research has shown that it benefits children to maintain relationships with both parents following divorce. However, that doesn’t minimize the challenges that children face when constantly bouncing back and forth between two homes.

           Divorce and Children presents this idea as the disdain many of us have for packing, and unpacking, for a trip. I know I’m guilty of being unable to settle into my vacation or return home until I am 100% unpacked - which I do immediately. This inspired me to think about the endless checklists for packing and travel. For some children, that is how their every week feels, shuttling from one home to another.

           I was drawn to this idea, in particular, due to my experience with custody sharing of my children following my divorce. In the past 20 some years, I like to think I have become an expert at parenting plans. However, this article made me stop to think. What would my children, the ones who really experienced this, recommend to help other kids adjust?

           One of the tips that the Divorce and Children article recommended was for parents to help their children create a ritual. How frustrating is it for us when the plans we have for the day go awry? Or when we have to juggle multiple schedules in order to make sure everything fits? The same is true for children in shared custody situations. Rituals help children feel a sense of security, a necessary form of predictability in a situation that can often be unpredictable. It can also help children maintain a sense of control.

           I asked my son if there were any rituals we did to help him adjust, and he said the most impactful adjustment we made was when we transitioned to a once-a-week custody exchange (7 days with each parent).  He said limiting the amount of transitions each week allowed him time to settle into each house.

           My children also recommend that each parent have the basic necessities at each house to eliminate the amount the child needs to bring back and forth.  They also recommend the parent be understanding when the child does forget something. This can benefit children by eliminating the stress of forgetting something.

           As Shared Parenting becomes more widespread, these tricks are vital to support our children.

           The other article I read recently was an interview with Attorney Ashley Nicole Russell, a family law attorney who has been studying the correlation between divorce and school shootings. I was shocked to see these statistics. Through her research on 52 school shooters, Attorney Russell found that 86% came from divorced families and many of those were also in sole custody situations. Attorney Russell has focused much more of her energy on advocating for shared parenting and changing family law to encourage shared parenting.

           I can not be more thankful for my experiences giving me a personal perspective on these matters. However, what I was most shocked to find during the process of writing this, was how important it is to continue to have a dialogue with your children. I am decades separated from my own divorce, yet I still find myself learning every day how to better support my children and more about their own personal experiences. My packing “Checklist” now has a new number one task: keep up with open communication.